I’ve been asked why I’m not posting with the same frequency. Why am I so absent from the various activities in which I like to participate?
A friend of mine told me, “I haven’t seen you for a while. Are you OK? I am asking you that because I see you down, and your eyes lack the intensity of the light with which they used to shine. Remember that you have a very strong potential to achieve what you set out to do, so if you need to cry… cry until you feel better.”
Other friends have asked me, “Do you need money? Do you need help at home? When will your next book be published? Do you want us to invite you to eat at a nice place? Do you have problems?” And the questions keep coming to me without my answering them back.
Since I began to be aware of my actions and to store memories in my brain, being just a small child, I have had to learn to defend or protect myself, living between the living and the dead. Sometimes, feeling that I am drowning in the dense darkness of the night and tired of crying alone, I put a smile on my lips when I open the door of my room to a new day.
Probably between the ages of five and ten, I faced death about six times. And in each one of them, God gave me the opportunity to continue living. The recurring memory that I have captured in my soul is that on each of those occasions, when I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was the loving face of my mother, who always remained immovable next to me until the danger had passed. In my childhood, my mother was an invincible warrior in the face of difficulties. She was willing to sacrifice everything she had to save my life.
Already in my adulthood at the age of twenty-five, and against all medical forecasts, my body was reborn to a new opportunity for life. At that time, it was not only physical pain; I also faced a lot of emotional and mental pain since the doctors diagnosed that the gestation process of my first daughter, who was growing in her mother’s womb, should be stopped. But the faith of my daughter’s mother was greater than any medical diagnosis. My daughter is now a beautiful woman, an excellent wife, and a wonderful mother to my first grandchild.
At that time, my mother was a wonderful source of strength and wisdom, keeping me mentally healthy by keeping my mind from getting lost in a battle of emotional conflicts.
In recent years, I have made investments that did not work out and lost a lot of money. I’ve also faced health problems. Despite the difficulties in my marital relationship, my mother, who has always been my unconditional support, was seriously ill, and yet despite her situation, she continues to be an example of strength worthy of imitation.
Seeing my mother suffer, I asked God (with whom for many years I established a unity agreement, by establishing a yoke that allows me to lighten my loads and lean on Him unconditionally through believing that if I have him at my side everything will be possible.) Allow me to help my mother to ease her pain and heal her wounds.
God responded favorably to my request, allowing my mother to continue living in a favorable state of health for almost two years, during which all my effort has been directed towards her, for which I have declined a bit.
My mother has noticed this, and she made a special request to me about two months ago, calling me “my boy,” as she has always lovingly told me, “My boy, it is time to let me go. I don’t want you to keep holding me in this world and giving me an artificial life that I no longer want, and that pains you a lot. I am now ready to return to live with my parents in heaven. Stop doing what you do to buy me time because we both know that we can continue seeing each other in dreams.”
It has been very difficult for me to accept her decision, but I know that this is how it has to happen. Having to leave her alone to continue on her way through this world without knowing how much time she has left to live has represented a lot of pain for me. But an acceptance of the cycle of life has come to me. So, although I know that I am going to suffer the day that she is no longer with me, and I know that I am going to mourn her goodbye a lot, I also know that I can overcome this situation that puts me in a position vulnerable to depression. I am getting away from everything I like to do, which is why my economic situation is not good. I haven’t been giving counseling or doing self-help talks.
One Sunday, when I was laughing a little and crying a little more, I felt the need to receive a warm hug, capable of making me feel that I was not alone, with the intensity of being able to feel brotherly love that would turn on the intensity of the light again and make my eyes shine in time of happiness. I thought of some people who could give me that hug within the congregation of the church where I am a member.
When I got to the church, somebody asked me if I wanted to help in a special service they were going to perform. For a few seconds, I thought about refusing, but I changed my mind and agreed to help. While I was serving, I could feel how a warm wind was embracing me, as if the same God that I follow, through the Holy Spirit, were lavishing me with that fraternally loving hug that my whole being needed. I quickly remembered WHO I AM, so I stopped feeling afraid of what might happen when I felt how my heart received the warmth it was looking for.
Every day when night comes, all my senses are sharpened, and I begin to hear the hidden sounds in the silence as well as see the shadows of the night moving away from the darkness, but I no longer feel afraid like when I was a child. Because I’m no longer afraid of being who I am. I like to help. I have a lot of fun visiting the theme parks. I like to cook for my family. Go for a walk. Preach the gospel. Caring for the sick and needy. Give motivational talks. Listen to people who feel lonely, helping them get out of depression. I like to be happy and give happiness because THAT’S ME. A man who refuses to grow up and who lives life with the soul of a child.
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