BACK TO THE PAST

January 02 in the year 2021, 8:26 at night, the Christmas tree lights are off, as well as all the lights I put it up outside the house. Standing in front of the Christmas tree, I have not yet decided whether to press the button that allows the current to pass through all the electrical installations, so the Christmas lights will shine to eliminate the darkness of the room.  And thus, allow the spirit of Christmas to last until next January 6, where in some countries, many celebrate Kings Day.

My mind wanders in the dark, while my heart goes crazy trying to define what I feel, because my mind tortures it with so many memories. If my eyes could reflect on the walls what I see in my dreams and produce one by one the images that I carry inside, perhaps it would be easier on me to define what I am feeling.

Confused and living in a state of torment that engulfs my feelings in flames, I press the button that turns on the lights of all the Christmas decorations inside and outside the house, as well as inside and outside of my body. Without any explanation, tears from my eyes fall to the ground, letting my dream factory return me to the past where all my desires have been lost.

 

The little lights on the Christmas tree glow in the dark. I automatically bend my knees and start touching them one by one, starting with one that is touching the ground. My hand trembles, the little light slips through my fingers, I close my eyes and let myself be carried away by my memories.

 

As a child, Christmas was the most fascinating celebration, one that would be awaited for the whole year. It was always full of magic, love, parties, smiles, hugs, and dreams. The Christmas inns were the prelude that heralded the arrival of many holidays. Surrounded by neighbors, friends, family, and many other good things. During the days following Christmas, the roar of many firecrackers, bombs, streamers, and whistles were heard; preparing us to welcome the new year.

When I remember the days that have gone by, my spirit reverberates inside my body and temporarily detaches itself to start an ethereal journey to where my memories live. A journey that will take me to where I think my heart has been stuck, among in the streets of my hometown. But when I arrive, I see everything, and nothing seems the same to me as I remember. The streets have changed, the buildings have been modernized, there are no more open spaces. The streets are empty, lonely, and silent. So, I wonder where are the children who were having fun playing on the streets of my town? Where are my neighbors, who every night would take out a chair to have a meeting where they would talk and share, eliminating the silence of the night with their happy laughter?

Walking through the streets of my hometown, where I played so many times when I was just a child. I remember how happy I was in the company of my brothers, cousins, nephews, friends, and neighbors with whom I enjoyed the end of the year parties with.

Remembering that I laughed out loud with all of them… My body trembles and shudders from the torrent of tears that come from my eyes. Then my spirit longs for a strong hug, full of love and sincere friendship, which makes me remember for a moment that what I am suffering belongs to the past where everything seems to have been better, but it no longer belongs to me.

 

My eyes, which had remained closed, open. To let the images of all of us embracing each other in the middle of the street, wishing each other a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, fade away in time, because no one can be happy living on memories.

My ethereal trip to the past is over and my Spirit returns to my body, to face my reality and learn to enjoy everything I have.

 

My brain refuses to stop remembering, but my heart can no longer continue to suffer from a past that will not return.

 I get up from the ground and stand up, accepting that many of the people who have been a part of my life are gone.

Then my brain begins to accept that it must let my heart be free, so that it can express the love that I carry within, freely and without loss of time.

No ties to the past because, second by second, I am getting old. The clock is taking my youth between its hands and tomorrow it may be too late to value, love and treasure all the beings that are part of my present.

Then the little lights of fine transparent glass remind me to shine with intensity, because my present is so fragile … Almost UNREAL … Since step by step, my present disappears.  Disappearing between my skin and extinguishing my life, facing the absolute truth that, in the future I will be shaped as a memory in the minds and hearts of the beings that I love and that love me. And maybe one day in the future, they will want to return to the past because, just as I do today through tears, they will long SEE ME AGAIN.

 

FOR A HAPPY AND SAFE PRESENT, LET US USE MASKS.  LET US PRACTICE SOCIAL DISTANCING.  TO THE EXTENT WE CAN, STAY AT HOME AND DO NOT LIMIT OUR ABILITY TO EXPRESS LOVE TO ALL OUR LOVED ONES, EVEN THROUGH DISTANCE, BEFORE OUR TIME WILL BE GONE.

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